I Love the DMV and by Love I Mean Hate

So, I had to renew my driver’s license (I know, I know those who know me, know my birthday is in September, but my bank said they wouldn’t cash any more of my checks without “current” ID. I mean just because I had a birthday doesn’t mean I am not still David Bake right? Go figure), and here is why people hate the DMV:

I arrive around 2pm this afternoon. Upon entering the DMV, I notice I am one of 4 customers. A sign on the wall says to not stand in the walkway and instructs everyone to take a seat. I sit down. There is a huge electronic sign with the number 828 on it. One person is being helped by a DMVite, DMVeggan, DMV employee, Public Servant, whatever they are called (You have to be careful these days, maybe later I will tell you about my run-in with a prison guard who didn’t like being called a Prison Guard because he had worked so hard at his 6 week course, he had earned the title, Correctional Facilities Officer. I mean hey, a six week course, are they sure they don’t want to be called Doctor?)

Anyway, as I am sitting there, I notice another person is holding what looks like an application and a little number on a tab. I ask him if they are using the big number board, and he says he thinks so, but I can have his number if I want since I was sitting down before him. I said that was okay, but it looks like I have to fill out the same renewal application he is holding. He says that is true, because he got up to the window and they sent him back because he didn’t have the application filled out. So, I asked where the applications are, and he told me they are on a little table near the door, which is the only place that has a sign saying you need the form filled out first. I don’t remember filling out the form last time, but that was over 4 years ago and I have repressed most of the memories of that day. So, if you happen to look the other way as you pass the little table, you miss the importance of said form.

I grab my form and begin to fill it out. Enter the people…lots and lots of people. Suddenly, there were people everywhere. I begin to frantically fill out my form, hoping I can finish it before they call my number so I don’t have to go get a new number. Luckily, people at the DMV take their sweet time when it comes to doing anything. My number is the next to be called, and I am done with my form. This is going to be an easy trip after all.

Suddenly, both DMVeggimites stop what they are doing and huddle in the back corner of the office for a good 15 minutes. Turns out, the credit card processing machine got turned off or reset or something. They had to call the company and get instructions on how to restart the stupid thing. Finally, the male unit turns to the crowd and announces, “We will not be able to process any credit card transactions for at least 35-40 minutes. If you are paying with a credit card, you will have to wait. If you have cash or check, you can stay in line and we will get to you in order by your number.”

Seriously? So, the guy then proceeds to call, “Next Please, number 831.” I motion that I am number 831 but I only have a credit card and will need to run to the bank, (which happens to be on the first floor of the very building we are in).

I run downstairs and get in line at the bank. The time is now 2:45 pm which should be a good time to hit a bank in Provo, UT on a Wednesday. But, then again, this is happening to me, so of course it’s not going to work out that way. There is only one teller and he is helping what looks like a bag lady that has just ordered somewhere in the vicinity of 37 cashier’s checks. I don’t know if Home Shopping Network only accepts cashier’s checks or what, but this lady was seriously carrying a stack about two inches thick and still waiting for more. The poor teller about threw in the towel when she told him he had made one of the checks for the wrong amount.
So, I wait and wait some more. Finally, another teller walks in the door and opens another window. I jump over to him, and that’s when it hits me. . .

I can’t cash my checks, because I don’t have current ID and I can’t get current ID because I can’t cash my check. The irony rolled over me like a wave of warm comforting crap. (Don’t worry, it’s not supposed to make sense) At this point, I could have just taken my ATM card and gone outside and used their outside machine, but I was a bit curious just how this would play out, and dangit it was cold outside.

I tell the guy that I need to cash/deposit a few checks, but I have an issue. I don’t have current ID on me. He starts to tell me how he is not supposed to cash any checks without current ID and especially since my account has already been flagged for cashing other checks without proper ID. (I like to think it’s my smooth way and winning smile that I have somehow convinced tellers to cash checks for me for the past 3 months without a driver’s license, but it’s probably more likely it’s because I have been a customer of this bank since college and they don’t want me to take my accounts elsewhere.) Either way, it’s fun to push the bounds every once in a while.

So, I tell the kid, “Look, I am going to put a lot of money in this David Bake guy’s account. You don’t think he would mind if I took $20 for myself.” He chuckled and said he could give me the money and deposit the checks but JUST THIS TIME.. I agreed and in a few more minutes, I am on my way back upstairs to the DMV.

I get back inside the DMV office and now my luck starts to look up. Turns out, most of the people who had come streaming in before, had the intention of paying with a credit card. The old guy called number after number only to have nobody respond. I only had to wait another 15 minutes or so, to get my second chance at a window. The rest of the ordeal went pretty quickly, the DMVillian was actually pretty nice to me (he may have seen the fire in my eyes from earlier, I am not sure). I got my license renewed in a few minutes and was feeling okay about things, till the old guy took his parting shot at me. . .

“You know,” he said, “it wasn’t 30 seconds after all you people left that the credit card machine started working again…”